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I’m guessing most of you probably have no idea what dolphins and hair zapping have in common. Well, let me enlighten you. They have EVERYTHING in common.

Have you ever been to a beach someplace exotic and proudly yet somewhat nervously stripped down to your bathing suit? You’re feeling pretty good about it all as you feel your skin start to be tanned by the sun and the warmth starts to help your fragile image of how bad it might be. Now you’re really feeling good! You sit back on your towel and you’re feeling positive emotions about everything and everyone. And then you see it. Holy crap you’ve missed a HUGE section of hair when you were in the shower this morning with your bff the razor. OH GOD PLEASE NO!

It could be anywhere really, and the shame would still be the same. Legs, bikini, that back part of your thigh that you think no one really ever sees if you shave or not, the “happy trail” of stomach fuzz that everyone says “no one notices that!” but they’re totally lying, or God forbid you have hairy feet.

Most of you have probably experienced this on one occasion or another. Those few of you who can recall specific horrifying instances that have deeply scarred you for life… I am truly sorry.

On occasion, I too have experienced that feeling of self-confident elation only to be followed by sheer pure horror.

Solution: LASER HAIR REMOVAL! Or as I like to call it- my quest to turn into a dolphin. If you have ever touched one (I have, and it’s totally awesome) you know how silky smooth they are. Why would I ever WANT to feel like a gorilla when rubbed?

One glorious day I discovered that technology had finally heard my desperate prayers and come up with a permanent solution- the Candela Laser: Hairy man’s best friend.

Now I am proud to zap any/all remaining hair from my body. You may have a few questions about it. Let me debunk some myths.

Claim: It’s relatively painless! Like a light rubber band snap. Truth: It freaking hurts like hell and should be called a form of human torture for strategic military usage some day.

Claim: A few treatments is all you need for permanent removal of unwanted hair. Truth: Only if you have the peach fuzz of a toddler. Dark, coarse hair takes MUCH longer and MUCH more agony… but it will eventually go away. For life.

Claim: Comfortable, professional technicians that put you at ease. Truth: You’re stark raving naked in a room bright enough to land a 747, but once that laser starts zapping the beloved crevices of Mt. Vesuvius you couldn’t care any less if you were on display in a grocery store. The pain is SO intense that any/all thought flees your brain and all you can do is plead with God to make it go faster.

To end my little saga about excessive body hair let me say this: I couldn’t be happier torturing myself for beauty. Yes, it is excruciating (depending on coarseness of hair and location on the body) but it’s completely worth the peace of mind it brings. Not to mention that after a while you really can’t remember being hairy! It’s a wonderful feeling!

Sometimes the best things in life are painful or difficult. This is one I can say is worth the pain. I am on my way to being smooth and silky- just like Flipper.